Being Enough; Becoming a Mother

Day to day life and interactions can be difficult enough when you’re just married or even single. Life is full of demands. There’s school, work, cleaning, self-care, familial obligations, student loans, volunteering, pets, friends, etc.  All of it can be a struggle. you feel like you’re being pulled in a thousand different directions, and you’re not sure which fire needs to be doused first.

Add a baby to the mix, and you can go from feeling like you’re treading water well to being on the brink of drowning.  Your fires have gone from bonfire to full on forest fire scale, and you find yourself unsure if you need to burst into tears, scream, or curl up into a tight little ball and wish the world away.  Oh, and then if you’re dealing with any bit of postpartum “gumbo” you find yourself feeling royally F-ed from time to time because on top of not feeling like you can possibly give anymore of yourself, you’re also having to come to terms simultaneously that you’re also dying.

Holy crap Batman.

On the eve of B’s 6-month mark that’s how today felt.  Heck, that’s how the last week.  Bernhard has been sick, work had an interesting (and very stressful) twist, little sleep, and JP is going into the end of the semester.  To say that it’s been rough is a bit of an understatement.  Today I found myself going from feeling angry, on the brink of tears, wanting to scream, feeling like someone put a boot into my stomach, like I wanted to laugh (because what this really my life?), and a whole other slew of emotions.

And you know what? It’s exhausting. It’s exhausting on TOP of already getting little sleep between a sick baby not sleeping, and needing to stay up to get work done after he goes to bed.  It’s physically draining, not only to function, but pumping on top of everything else is literally draining activity (I prefer nursing -duh-, but I don’t loath pumping like I did previously).

As hard as today was, this last Sunday proved to be the MOST trying for me.  And really from the outside one would think that I would have felt refreshed – Bernhard not only slept on his own for most of the night and only wanted to nurse a couple times, but then he let us sleep until 10AM! He also wasn’t too clingy (by comparison), but I was seriously feeling stressed out and pretty much failing not just at life, but as a mother.  I got nearly to a breaking point, then I saw this on facebook (where elese?) and it made me stop in my tracks:

Oh La Leche League, you get it. Oh how you get it.

This evening when I got home after the rough emotional day I was able to scoop Bernhard into my arms and my fat little day-short-of-six month old gave me the biggest smile because mama was home. I was reminded again (because apparently mommy brain is a real thing) that just being with him is enough.  I am enough for him.  And for the right now, that is how I’m going to continue to keep going. Those goofy gummy full body smiles are going to keep me going.

Because I am enough.

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