One Month a Baby and Life Lately

Two days ago Bernhard hit the 11-month mark, which means babyhood is fading at an alarming rate and toddlerhood will be upon us before I’m ready. Also, I’m still sucking as a blogger. :p Well, and sucking in other aspects of life too… More on that later.

On the eve of his 11-month mark, B said his first non-parental word: “kiss”. And he has been refusing to let is get video evidence. On his 11-month mark the monkey stood straight up without having to pull up on something, though he was holding an empty OJ carton he fished out of the trash (mother of the year here), and yesterday he crawled over to me while I was prepping dinner in our tiny apartment kitchen, sat ON my feet and said “sit”. I have a feeling we’re going to have a chatter bug on our hands!

As I snuggled down to nurse him to sleep last night I couldn’t help thinking “be a baby longer”. Not because I’m upset he’s growing, but I know sweet moments like this are going to be replaced before I know it. He’s already showing glimmers of the switch between babyhood and toddlerhood, and my heart has been aching in a rather acute bittersweet way the last few days.

Back in March JP passed the big PhD qualifying exams!! So now we’re over that hump, it’s onto the dissertation proposal, writing the actual dissertation, defending the dissertation aaaand then FINALLY purchasing academic robes and huge bottle of trappist beer to celebrate when he’s finally Dr. Ewing, PhD. Now for the buring question everyone has: how long does he have left? The answer is about three years — some people give me a funny look when I say that, BUT you have to remember that in addition to doing this PhD thing he is also teaching and now has fatherly duties in top of the massive paper and research. Our little boy does love him some daddy time too:


I love these two so much.
(the dog isn’t half bad either)

So where does that put me and the general suckiness I mentioned? In addition to kinda freaking out about B’s birthday coming up in less than 30-days, I’m still dealing with postpartum gumbo fun, and being sick, including contracting a not-so-lovely case of hand foot and mouth disease at the beginning of April, feeling the crazy pull of wanting another baby already, project deadlines, feeling like I’m sucking at my day job, feeling lonely, bouncing between a bunch of periods of stress and geneally feeling lost and overwhelmed a lot of the time.

In so many ways I feel like I’ve been barely keeping my head above the water since January 1st. There have been glimmers of “you’ve got this”, but if I’m honest a lot of the time I don’t feel that way.

Last Friday I had a bit of a ‘reset day’ where I ignored work in the morning and met up with some friends for coffee and had a moms’ night out that evening. It made me realize that so far this year I’ve been putting my eggs into the wrong baskets, and to use a somewhat crude euphamism “sh!tting where I eat”, so I have GOT to make some changes. JP actually pointed out last week that I’ve let my self-care drop to next to non-existant because I’ve been busying myself with things that aren’t close to home as well as struggling a bit to figure out who I am again. I’m giving myself a timeline — I havr until June 17th. After that I’m setting a list of 30 goals for 30 and we’re going to do this. I kinda refuse to let the suckage and gumbo turn into a “quarter life crisis” as someone suggested I might be going through! That and I think the whole idea of a quarterlife crisis is peter pan syndrom BS… Ok, my pumping session is nearly up – packing it in until next time.


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